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Spare the rod...
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Do wait for an opportunity for one of your children to seek a favour from you. Now, enter into a `behavioural contract' with him...
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I am a 29-year-old housewife and have two naughty children. Though they study well in school, they are disobedient at home. Disobeying us does not make them feel guilty. They never lend me a helping hand in the household chores. My husband is a workaholic and is always busy with his work. I have, of late, become frustrated and irritated. I become abusive and end up feeling guilty. Things are in a mess at home. I'm afraid I'll go mad. Would you please tell me how I could set things right?
L.L. Thiruvananthapuram
AS IN any other nuclear family, your children too seem to take over the reins just because they perform well at school. In many families, parents tend to satisfy all the needs of the children if they are good at academics.
This being the age of management, home management too has attained importance. First, you have to coax your husband to co-operate with you, since the situation is worsening day after day. Psychologists offer a programme of management called `behaviour modification'- the motto of which is `spare the rod and use behaviour mod'. An activity, whether good or bad, simply does not continue until it is rewarded. Thus, this rewarding system can be skilfully used at home too.
Do wait for an opportunity for one of your children to seek a favour from you. Now, enter into a `behavioural contract' with him.
For example, if he says, "Mom, I need fish fry for dinner"; you could say, "Yes, provided, you fold your clothes". If you do not `order' your child to do as you say, chances are that he may go and fold his clothes right away. Prepare the fish fry; while serving, tell him you are happy that he obeyed you. The next time, you can be a bit stricter. When the first desirable behaviour is met, you can add more and more `bits of behaviour' to it.
This is called `behavioural shaping'. Thereafter, you can enlist other `desirable' activities, which your child is expected to do at home. Let your child understand that everything has to be earned. The message is simple: `Do your duty and you will be rewarded'.
Stop thinking that matters have gone out of your hands. Get yourself organised. Make a list of what you want your children to do at home. Then prepare a timetable regarding what your children should do at each specified time. Catch hold of the one who loves you most and is also likely to obey you. Let the timetable of activities be very flexible in the beginning.
Don't forget to reward each activity. An `activity-reward' chain would be most appealing to the child. . Soon, you will find that the very act of doing the right thing at home is rewarding! Then you can stop this `contract' and enter into another. When one child gets much attention from you, the other will follow suit, because mother's attention is the biggest reward for a child.
Please send your questions to:
mindquest1@ rediffmail.com or Mindquest,
The Hindu, Airport Road,
Vallakadavu, Thiruvananthapuram
KRISHNA PRASAD SREEDHAR
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