From tragedy to service

The one thing that repeatedly fascinates T.K.V. Desikachar is the inherent concern and care for society - a message that is in every teaching, be it Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, everything. He believes that the time has come to address the conflict and despair in society today with the relevance of this message.

In this column, Desikachar will engage in a dialogue with people who have influence over society and who have a vision deeper than material success.

You have suffered the pain of losing your husband to alcoholism at a very young age. There was a choice of breaking free from this atmosphere of addiction and opting for a "better life". Instead, you chose to plunge yourself into helping other alcoholics and their families. Can we discuss this process - of converting a personal tragedy into a source of strength?

The decision to start this hospital for alcoholics was not made intellectually. It was more out of emotion. I was hardly 30 when my husband died. At that time we were not able to get any help for him because there was no centre in India. Nobody here knew that addiction was a disease. There was no awareness at all. And so when he died, there was an emotional urge inside me, a burning desire to do something and bring about awareness, bring help to other patients, their families.

To move forward, one requires both a burning desire and a peace or strength from within, some light to guide you....which could come from an association with another person, some faith or even a personal practice.

I am a great believer in God. The only thing I knew at that time was prayer and rituals. I did a lot of penance. My prayer was that he should give up drink and get well. It didn't happen.... I did ask myself why this happened when I had prayed so much... here it was my mother-in-law who gave me strength and courage. She used to always say that all the penance would never go waste and somehow or the other something would happen. She gave me my faith. The strength that you spoke about, it came because I completely surrendered to God. Many times I have personally felt that He has given me the courage and strength to go on the right path.

There are some people who have done exactly what you have done - prayers, rituals, et al. Yet in the end they have felt that God has failed them, they have felt dejected, even a sense of antipathy towards God...

It never happened to me. I used to pray a lot to have children. Then I used to bargain with God and say, don't give me a child, but at least give my husband a long life. But somehow even when He didn't give me both, I never lost faith. I believe that if God had taken him away a little earlier, I would not have internally suffered and understood agony. Had he lived another ten years, I would have become so bitter that I would not have liked to see another alcoholic in my life. To remove him at the right time when love and care had not dried up... and I still had the energy to carry on with my life, that was God's grace.

Patanjali says in the Yoga Sutra that the light beyond sorrow is within us. So when one is disturbed what is required is to shift your focus to the light. Your faith helped you to not confuse the whole with the part, to see the positive side. The question is how often do we identify this and having identified it how open are we to sharing it with others...

Sir, I have personally experienced the healing powers of sharing. After my husband's death I went to America for training. As part of our training, we had to share our experiences. Share the pain, the agony. Gradually I realised I was able to deal with my pain much better. This sharing helped me heal myself. Most of the treatment for addiction is also psychological. It has to do with sharing and listening. This process helps patients to identify they have a similar problem. By sharing they learn to understand and deal with their problems better. Even in our hospital only teamwork counts. The doctor, nurse, psychologist and the addicts make the team. It is very important for us to give everybody values and ourselves live up to them.

The essence of yoga is relationship. If the relationship is good something happens, if not all effort just evaporates. But you are working with people from varying backgrounds, different cultures....how do you transfer your faith?

What is helping treatment centres like ours is the notion that we are together and we have similar problems. Everyone is treated similarly and everyone goes through a similar process and a similar discipline. There is a common feeling of powerlessness where our life has become unmanageable. Some of our slogans are also very beautiful - "One day at a time". They don't say that all our life we should not touch alcohol. Every day they have to pray to God to give them the strength not to touch alcohol for the day. Just as we pray to God not to get angry for the day or to give us the strength to take responsibility for the day. We have another slogan called "Let go". Things that are beyond me, let go and let God take care of them. We also have a beautiful prayer, "Grant me to accept with serenity the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can."

And the the ability to shift focus...

For a child who was always playing with marbles, if he has to take up books, then he will have to be shown interesting story books so that he drops the the marbles. This way the child has something better to hold on to and the marbles fall down. Similarly, for an alcoholic not to feel that he has made a sacrifice in stopping alcohol, you have to show him a better life. For this we do therapy, counselling, even marital counselling (as families suffer the most).

We make them understand the importance of work, taking up responsibilities, getting pleasure out of working and managing finances properly, improving relationships with the other members of the family, and praying. We also teach them to have fun not through alcohol but through other methods like sports and games.

Something happened to you long ago and you took it as the grace of God, converting it into an opportunity to do something for the society around you. But now, every day you need this strength. Do you do something for yourself?

People say that I am sacrificing a lot for others. That is one part of the story. The other part is that my life is meaningful. If I don't have something, what will I be looking into? I will be staring at the ceiling. I can play cards for one hour, watch television for two hours but where is my self worth? One part is that people are getting help because of me but that is another issue. More than that, their growth, their recovery sustains me everyday. So, one part is that it helps them, but it is also helping me and that is very important for people to understand. They make me feel that I am worthy enough to carry on this life.

Here it is not that "I give so you feel better, but I have received so I can give to someone else...." But tell me, can you compare this feeling with the time when you were doing so many rituals and praying?

At that time I didn't really get much peace. I was only living on hope. I am almost 52 now. The fire is still there, but at this point of time I am also quite happy about what I have achieved in my life. There is a peace within me. In another two or three years, if I have to walk out, I would do so happily. And may be I would like to continue with my Gita classes....

That is a very important thing. That you are visualsing that you will withdraw. There is a quality in you that helps you stay detached.

Sir, it is like my past. It is always there, but it doesn't hurt me any longer. If I hadn't detached myself from my personal trauma I would never have been able to work with these patients day after day....

My father used to often say, "focus on the journey of the present, what is past is anyway gone." This is not easy, but as you have proved, it is certainly worth trying. It is a philosophy of detachment.

T. K. V. DESIKACHAR

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